I Don’t Think So, Honey

I Don’t Think So, Honey is a segment in which we take one minute to rail against something in culture… You have 60 seconds and your time. starts. now!” –Las Culturistas, the greatest podcast of all time.

I don’t think so, honey: the phrase good baby. “Is he a good baby?” “Oh, you’re being such a good baby!” What? I didn’t realize there were babies out here roaming the streets in evil gangs- glad I got a “good” one! I know what you’re asking when you inquire if my son is a good baby– does he sleep well through the night? He absolutely does not, honey! Yes, my baby is good because all babies are good because good is a ridiculous adjective to put on an actual infant. You’re equating goodness with easiness, and just as with everything in life, the ease of taking care of your offspring is all sorts of shades of gray. This shit is hard as hell, whether you have all the support in the world or are a single mother of octuplets. Telling a friend to count their blessings or stop complaining (yes, actual mothers really say these kinds of things to other mothers) because their baby is “easy” is an easy way of making that person despise you! No, my child isn’t a classically “good baby” in that he still wakes up many times a night and has a lot of feelings that equate to not smiling much at strangers. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad baby! There is no such thing as a good or bad baby because they’re not actually making moral choices fresh out the womb!! Labeling babies are good or bad is a one-way ticket to the kinds of self-esteem and anxiety issues that lead a person to starting an advice blog for their pregnant friend on like two hours of sleep per night! Babies are many things: cute, stubborn, sleepy, loved, joyful, smelly, loud, squishy, but babies aren’t good or bad or easy. I don’t think so, honey!

“…and that’s one minute.” Seriously, I worship at the altar of Matt & Bowen.