The Best Baby Toy

You’ve heard of big pharma? The corporate devils behind big ag?! The trillion dollar a year cosmetics industry?!!!!

They’ve got nothing on the money generated for ceiling fan manufacturers by infants. If you don’t have at least one ceiling fan in your home, move. If you have far more electrical abilities than me, install a ceiling fan on every possible surface of your house, walls and floors included.

Why would your baby gaze lovingly into your eyes, the person who sacrificed her physical body and emotional identity to give them life, when they could instead be transfixed by the thing mounted above your head?

Grandma coming to watch the kid so you can run some errands? The ceiling fan switch might as well be demarcated with pink duct tape so everyone knows which is the magic button.

Gotta pee? Distract baby with the ceiling fan. Hustling to get a bottle ready? Have your partner Lion King that baby up towards the blades (note, for legal purposes: do not put your baby IN the ceiling fan blades.)

The second sneakiest profiteer after fans is, of course, the sweater industry. Prepare to always be frozen in your own home with that much cold air getting whirred around. WORTH IT.

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